Question Number: 12036

Character, Attitude and Control 1/6/2006

Doug of Barrie, Canada asks...

Hi guys. I love the new site. Anyway, I should probably ask a psychiatrist this question, but I'm sure many people will be interested in whatever answer is given. Many times I have either sent a player off or ejected a coach, this individual usually makes their situation worse. For example, I ejected a coach one time, but he wouldn't leave. So I abandoned the game. He then came up to me and said "you're an a-hole". Not only did I have to include why the game was abandoned, but now I had to add what the coach said to me in the game report. Also, a player threatened me after I sent him off. Instead of a three game suspension, he is now banned from the league permanently (Refer to question 10568). My question is why do players and coaches make matters worse for themselves after they've been ejected?

Answer provided by Referee Richard Dawson

While the short answer is because they can perhaps my DR Phil routine will shed some light. Or in his immortal words, "And how is that working for you?" Better lie on the couch for this and grasp a big tension ball because this is as goobly gooked as I get!
Suicide bombers believe in something so strongly they can not stop themselves from acting insane. Unfortunately to a lesser degree the same is for ALL confrontation where the individual draws some thread of self rightousness from the dreggs of the crapper. Misery and self loathing for feeling persecuted be it a precieved or real threat seem to goad a reasoned individual into a bitter twisted reflection of the worst that humanity has to offer. To feel vindicated and unable to contain the vehement emotional baggage load they must act in accordanance with their warped vision of justice. No matter how bizzare that might seem they make you the bad guy and the problem is created by you NOT them. If you read my profile I make reference to the opposing views I had as coach and as referee. Now was I truly the bad guy in both cases? SOMETIMES we can save a person from themselves if we realize that Life is not worrying about what someone thinks, it is about caring that anyone might think enough to care what you think. Now put that in your pipe and smoke it! Cheers

Answer provided by Referee Nathan Lacy

WOW. After Ref Dawson's answer I think I need a beer. A way I have looked at this, and which I think you will find to be in alignment with the above answer, is that these people fail to take responsibility for their own actions, get their ego involved, and feel a need to overjustify (go nutz) in order to protect their precious sense of identy and fragile self-image and, in their mind, create such a stir as to make you the center of attention and therefore the cause of the whole event. I have some terms for that but I won't print them here. I think the two critical aspects of this are failure to take responsibility and letting their ego get involved. When this happens then expecting them to act rationally is unrealistic. In most cases I would say that one thing you need to realize is that YOU ARE NOT THE ONE CAUSING THE PROBLEM. They are. However, it is always worth some time to reflect on the events and ask yourself if you CONTRIBUTED to the problem in some way - added a spark to the gasoline. I know I have done that a few times myself and am not happy when I recognize it. By spotting these times that we add to the situation we can refine our approaches and discover ways that we might be able to help quiet things down - but this is not always possible and if you can honestly say that you were just doing what you needed to then let the responsibility for their actions fall on their shoulders. You certainly don't need to take on their load in addition to the one you are already carrying. All the best,